We will never be totally confident and certain about every area of our existence as humans (after all, we are not God), and these periods of uncertainty might lead to us feeling uneasy about ourselves on sometimes. It could be insecurity about our appearance, our life choices, or even something as trivial as whether we took the correct bus to work today. The point is, we've all dealt with insecurities at some point in our lives.
But why do some people seem to experience more insecurities than others, with seemingly greater frequency and intensity? This is especially noticeable in relationships when emotions are involved, and we might sometimes feel depleted as a result of our partner's frequent projections of insecurity wearing us out. It could even be the other way around, and you're the one experiencing insecurity, but you don't know what's causing it.
In any case, if you believe that your current relationship has a future, but the main impediment is insecurity, being able to identify the root cause of your or your partner's insecurity, as well as understanding how to overcome it, could go a long way toward helping you save your relationship.
Causes of Insecurities in a Relationship
Here are the 5 main causes behind insecurities in a relationship that you should not overlook.
1. Low Self-Esteem/Confidence
We are only as secure as we allow ourselves to be in a relationship. But, if we're already unsure about practically everything in our life, how can we expect our relationships to be any different?
Low self-esteem and a general lack of confidence are possibly THE most common causes of relationship insecurity, and they are often related to a person's background.
Being mocked and bullied in school, continuously being told you weren't good enough, or perhaps simply a lack of sufficient affection as a child... all of these events will have long-term consequences on a person and, if unresolved, will continue into adulthood.
Regardless of where it stems from, the end result is frequently the same, and they often grow up feeling insecure about everything because of the conditioning they received over the years.
If you're continuously doubting your partner's emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, you'll not only wind up projecting those doubts onto your relationship and your partner, but it'll also lead to a series of irrational ideas and fears, which will only amplify those feelings of insecurity.
2. Negative Past Experiences (Emotional Baggage)
Many of us have left relationships because something unpleasant happened (unfaithful, dishonesty, etc.) or because the nature of the relationship itself was poisonous (abusive, emotionally unavailable, etc.). As we leave such relationships, it is healthy to leave those negative memories behind and eventually get past them in order to begin again.
However, some of us end up holding on to those bad sentiments, bringing them with us into subsequent relationships as unresolved emotional baggage. This causes uneasiness and anxiety, which we end up putting onto new relationships since we are subconsciously holding them against whatever pain or hurt our ex inflicted on us.
As a result, we develop some concerns about our partner, and it may be tough to put our trust in them, even if they haven't given us any reason not to.
When we carry past emotional baggage into a new relationship, we quickly create a climate of insecurity, and we effectively destroy the new connection by holding our new partner accountable for something they did not do.
3. Attachment Styles
According to psychological research (theory of attachment), a kid develops distinct attachment styles (secure or insecure) based on how their parent interacts with them.
It was also shown that these attachment types could persist into adulthood and have a significant effect in how people create partnerships. Having a neglected childhood might lead to increased insecurities as an adult because emotional needs were not satisfied while growing up.
This results in significant insecurity projections, particularly in relationships, because the individual with an insecure attachment style has little to no experience meeting their emotional needs. When they finally comprehend what it's like to have their emotional needs met, an unhealthy reliance develops. That person perceives no other way to receive such affection.
With something considered valuable to someone, there is a general fear of losing it. And someone with an insecure attachment style is likely to project these worries in evident ways. They may become easily envious, excessively sensitive, always seeking validation from you, and even extremely clingy since they feel threatened by anything that diverts their partner's attention away from them.
4. Personal Life Fulfilment (or Lack Thereof)
As two diverse individuals prior to meeting, you will both have distinctive aspects about themselves that will make you, uniquely you. Your job, interests, objectives, opinions, and even your favorite food are all personalized pieces of yourself that not only build your personal identity but also provide you with a sense of fulfillment.
Many people lose their separate identities after entering a relationship, and as a result, they lose their sense of personal life fulfillment. As a result, they turn to their relationships and begin to rely on them to supply them with life fulfillment and meaning.
While this aspect is deemed undesirable, it does not always cause insecurities in a partnership. However, when we create a dependency on someone else to give our lives meaning and fulfillment, there is generally a subliminal anticipation that the other person would feel the same way about us.
When our partner has an external type of enjoyment unconnected to us, or when a favorable development occurs in our partner's life, this might lead to insecurities and even envy. Instead of being glad and supportive of our partners' accomplishments, we become bitter and insecure, all because someone else (other than us) was able to make our partners happy and give their life significance.
5. Unequal Past Relationship Experiences
We will finally exhaust all of our relationship'first timers' by the time we reach adulthood. We may have previously referred to someone from a prior relationship as our "soulmate," or we may have come close to settling down. We all evolve at different rates, and the quantity of relationship experience varies from person to person.
If you're not naturally self-assured, meeting someone with substantially more experience than you or who has previously been in a committed relationship could easily lead to relationship insecurities.
If you're continually comparing yourself to your partner's exes or the emotional connection they formerly had (which is likely to be stronger than yours), feelings of inferiority can easily develop as you begin to doubt yourself and wonder if you'll ever measure up.
What Can You Do to Overcome Insecurities?
If you're the insecure one in the relationship, here's what you can do to overcome them (or help your spouse conquer theirs).
Self-Awareness (Mindfulness)
The first step in overcoming any problem is to recognize and accept the existence of one. If you don't even understand that your insecurities are harming your relationship, or worse, if you don't realize that you're acting insecure in the first place, there's no way you'll ever be able to move past it, and those insecurities will just be a repeating problem.
It is not enough to simply be aware of an issue if you are unwilling to take action. If you ever intend to modify the way you feel and act about particular issues, you must first develop a stronger self-awareness of your own emotions.
Finally, self-awareness and mindfulness are critical in conquering fears and stopping yourself from subconsciously appearing needy, envious, or even manipulating your partner if you are insecure about something.
Open and Honest Communication
Whether you or your spouse has insecurities, one of you will undoubtedly bring them up at some point during the relationship. The primary issues here are when and where.
Will it be used as ammo to harm the other person during an argument? Or as an open discussion in which both participants can speak freely without becoming defensive or offended?
Without a solid channel of communication with your partner, sentiments of dissatisfaction and negativity will simply build up and intensify with each subsequent 'episode' of insecurity, causing the relationship to slowly degrade.
If you sense potential in your current spouse, you'll need to work on developing an honest, open, and healthy line of communication with them. Don't be so afraid of hurting the other person's feelings that you avoid confrontations altogether, because the alternative of bottling it up will result in a far worse consequence.
Find a moment to sit down with your spouse and let them know you've been thinking about something (NOT while you're in the thick of an argument or there's any kind of tension between both sides).
To begin, state that whatever you're about to say isn't meant to 'poke', hurt, or put them down, but rather because you see a future with them and want to be honest and open about your feelings so that the two of you can grow stronger as a couple by working together to overcome it.
Choose your words carefully, especially if you're trying to inform someone who is already insecure that they're being insecure. Avoid using hostile terms such as 'you' (as in, you're always behaving insecure!) and instead chose softer alternatives that are less likely to elicit them, allowing the debate to continue in a positive manner (i.e. I've seen that there are some insecurities in the group.
At the end of the day, your goal is to not only get them to recognize and acknowledge that they do have these insecurities, but also to let them know that you'd still be by THEIR side no matter what (remember, their insecurities aren't going to magically disappear just because you brought it up) and that you'll have to make certain compromises when suggesting ways to improve the situation.
Engage a Professional Therapist to Help Address Deeper Rooted Issues
Unfortunately, not all issues can be resolved through self-help, and some people's fears are so deep that professional assistance may be required before any progress can be made.
If your or your partner's source of insecurity is linked back to more serious issues, such as poor childhood upbringing or experiencing a specific incident that may have caused severe trauma/anxiety, the two of you simply will not be able to overcome these issues on your own, and a professional therapist or counsellor should be engaged to help better facilitate.
Final Thoughts
How can we expect others to love us if we are incapable of loving ourselves first?
This cliche holds some reality, and someone who has big insecurities about their partners is likely to have a low feeling of self-love. When a person lacks confidence and has poor self-esteem, their self-worth suffers, which leads to the development of insecurities.
Because they are unable to understand their own worth, an insecure person continuously doubts and challenges their partner's decision to be with them. They are continually unsure of why their spouse would select them when they don't believe they are worthy of love in the first place.
If you're continually insecure in your relationship, remember that your spouse chose you for a reason, and it wasn't by chance or mistake. Your partner picked you because they noticed certain attributes in you that they found attractive; qualities that you have consistently failed to perceive and, in some cases, have adamantly refused to acknowledge.
You must learn to embrace these characteristics and cultivate deeper love for yourself, because the secret to having a secure and loving relationship all begins with you.
In the end, anxieties are simply a manifestation of a person's manifested doubts, worries, and uncertainties. There is never just one apparent source of a person's fears, and they are usually the result of a combination of multiple circumstances (both past and present).
Identifying the fundamental reason of your or your partner's uneasiness and learning how to overcome it are both necessary procedures to work on if we expect to have a long-term connection with our partners.
